How do I wait for life changing decisions out of my control, when I’m incapable to wait for the bus?

So there was a problem with my visa and I have to start the application all over again. My current one expires on the 4th of September and I have to have a new one or leave the country by then. But I am truly ambivalent to another year here. I know I will not make a decision before I know the new visa came through. There is no use to set my mind towards something that might not even be an option. But I will know in 6 – 8 weeks.  And I know I will stay if I get it. I’m to tired to leave anyways. And if my promotion goes through, I have another reason to stay. I actually have 3dollars-more-an-hour reasons to stay.

But I know this feeling all to well. If I was nineteen and having this job, living this life here, I would have loved it. But I have moved so much, been through so much and seen and felt more things than I really wanted to. I feel old. My mind is tired and needs a place to rest. Toronto could be the perfect sanctuary and has been this fall and winter. But the thought of building something here and once again leave tears me apart. Especially when I know there is people back home that puts a golden frame to my life and fills me up with love and life in so many ways.   And then there is Richie. The reason I just bought that ticket here without a second thought, the person who makes me feel reborn everyday and has touched my heart in a indescribable way. And the people I’ve met here, the friends I’ve made and the life I’ve started to get used to.

So many, many other reasons and what ifs to everything.
I miss and love all of you back home dearly and everyday I think ”Linnea would die for this man” , ”Elin would drink so much passiontea lemonade that she’d pee her pants” and all the million things over here I would love to share and experience whit you, my loved once at home ( especially Elin peeing herself!)

Often you ask if I will be home this Summer or when I will be back. Earliest is September but Ill let you know for sure in 6-8 weeks.
6-8 weeks and I can decide if I’m Canadian, Swedish or Norwegian this winter.

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