So vacation starts tomorrow and life is calmer , safer and more amusing than it has ever been. I’ve realized that being surrounded by the right people and doing things that gives me joy, running away and faraway adventures is something that doesn’t seem that attractive anymore. At least not something I would do rightnow.
I’ve been having so much fun lately and I am so pleased and grateful for this life that came to me/I worked for and created since I returned to Oslo.
I promise myself to relax, read, eat, lift, spend time with friends and family and enjoys my three weeks off. And for the fall and year to come I promise myself not to worry about money, take more time off next summer, keep having fun and treat a myself to fancy drinks and not buy cheap, bad, beer.
Happy summer lovers!
So yet another chapter of my life has come to an end. An episode without any blog-documentation. The first one in my life since I was sixteen.
Ive been writing since I learned the magic of putting letters together into words but somewhere during last year the words disappeared. I thought I had a writers block, even if it wasn’t on the internet for everyone to read the words would still come to me as texts, quotes and novels in my head, transforming feelings in to lyrics. And then it all just stopped. I believe that my lack of inspiration is strongly connected with my recovery. The sickness came to me in my early teens, as a little seed of doubt that found my anger towards the world, fed on it and turned it against myself. Writing became my sanctuary a proof that I wasn’t crazy and helped me remember that life has many bright moments even when you’re at the bottom of a dried out well with no obvious way up.
I took a break from everything that was my life when I left for Canada. When I fled to Canada. Taking a break from every person I knew, every habit and routine was the scariest and most necessary thing I’ve ever done. And I realize now that writing was one of those habits I needed a break from. Living in Canada taught me that the world will not end without routines. Anxiety will not kill you and surviving depression and an eating disorder is something I never gave myself nearly enough credit for.
Writing had to stop, just like everything else, just so I could get an outside view of my life. And I have been more present and in the moment more than I’ve ever been during these last 10 months. I’ve just been living and I have been brave enough to feel and to be alive and to let new people in.
I do not know if this blog will awake. But I know there are words in my head.
Got back from my run, made some food, turn on the tv, got happy when I saw the Ellen show was on, and then when she said the next guest was Chris Hemsworth I was like
And now they showed a a picture of him with his daughter
And also it’s been a month and a half since I saw my Irishman as you can tell by this post…
Waking up, fresh like the first flower of spring, like a fair maiden in her linen nightgown, like the smell of freshly brewed coffee on a Saturday morning.
Or like the love child of an alien and Lindsay Lohans father.
Do you know what decreases life quality by 200% ?
Not having a gym membership.
Do you know what my most dreaded form of exercise is?
Do you know who rand 5k yesterday and now will do that again out of boredome?
I need to get to Oslo ASAP and start my life. This slacker life has been amazing but I need to do something productive !
It’s something about this place, the mixture of nostalgia, careless childhood years and my early teens filled with anticipation, anxiety and fun. It’s the homeliness, the beauty of the surroundings and the feeling of small town suffocation.
I spent last summer there working and I honestly loved every second of it. I loved the job I had which helped a lot I guess and it was nice to be close to my family. But I also just same back from 4 months of backpacking and I had a ticked booked to Canada that very fall, it was just a pit stop to fuel up my bank account and family quality time. I can assume that a few more months there would make me pretty damn restless..I don’t think there’s anything there for me other than a place to relax, it’s not a place to live.
There’s one nightclub in Rättvik, and the annual fall fair that took place last weekend is a big homecoming event. You know you’ll meet the person that picked on you in school, you know you’ll meet that asshole who broke your heart or that bitch who stabbed your back. But also all those friends you like so much but you live too far away and live too different life’s to hangout but when you see each other it’s like it was yesterday and I love that.
I am thankful for growing up in this weird little community. It always made me feel safe and confident enough to explore who I was and who I wanted to be. The foundation of who I am spiritually, politically, sexually and creatively was laid here thanks to teachers, coaches, friends and parents. And I’m thankful for being such a badass kid that I took the space I needed to stand up for myself and my values during the time I lived there.
My grandmothers parents were born in Rättvik but moved to Stockholm in the 1930 to work, they kept the family farm, and I spent my childhoods summers there. My family moved from Stockholm to Rättvik when I was 5, to give us kids a safer and mor free upbringing I guess. It’s quite different to live in an apartment in a city with a million people and being able to run around naked on your huge lawn on a mountain outside a small own with 11.000 people.
This is the house I grew up in, my great grandfather and some other family members built that and the other houses on the property.
Welcome to the county of Dalarna!
When you can’t buy to go coffe, you’ll have to sort that out yourself.
Okey I’m not gonna be that hard on myself, but I am quite impatient. I’m not very impulsive, I usually think things throug, considering pros and cons and worst case scenarios. But I am extremely impatient , I want things so happen now, preferably yesterday and therefore I make my depictions rather fast. A lot of things in my life might not have happened if I had more time to consider them. I know I am very comfortable,nervous and scared deep down and if I think too much I’m gonna chicken out and take the safest way out, do absolutely nothing that is. So I might as well act on the adrenaline . It’s all about tricking myself in to doing shit.
But then I also have made a few impulsive decisions that seemed like a good idea at the time. For example two tattoos, any hair color I’ve ever had, moving to canada, moving to Oslo, moving to London. But there’s nothing I’ve regretted. I still love my tattoos and if I fuck up my hair I’ll just go back to brunette.
The only thing I’ve ever regretted was not sticking up for my self and cutting bad people from my life. But I’m working on that and it takes strength to do such a thing. Not that I need to do that right now but hell knows its been necessary in the past and might be in the future. You never know what assheads life might put in your path, might as well be prepared.
And occasionally I’ve regretted that last 3am shot or spending money on drinks I don’t remember having or while drunk deciding to save my contact that just fell out instead of my iPhone….but well well that just materials stuff.
So, I misunderstood the dates, so I’ll be going to the farm this weekend or early nest week and back to Oslo on next Friday, a week later than I thought. Impatiens is burning in my veins but hey, I’ll have 3 more days with my family, 5 days on a farm and then adulthood starts once again. So I’m just gonna enjoys this. Or try not get to stressed.
I know that there’s a lot of ”stuff that will seem like a good idea at the time” around the corner. And I know it will all be fantastic !
Here, Have a random picture of weird Cuban sunlight.
For two days! I’m basically just back to see some friends and family and to do all my laundry and then once again pack up my stuff and start over… Well this time it’s more like coming home. My best friend who lives in Oslo is cowsitting on her parents farm. She lives in Oslo but somebody needs to take care of the 200 cows while the farmers explore Rome this week. And I will help her shuffle some poop, feed some animals and enjoy the countryside. But most important, ill have quality time with Linnea who I used to see everyday in Oslo and now barely seen in a year and a half. And then, on Friday, we’ll be going back to Oslo and I’m planning on staying for a while.
I took soo many photos of Rättvik. Ill picture bomb you later !
Terror twins. Can’t wait to see you mama bear!